I am Madonna in whom Christ dwells and delights, and I live with Him in a strong, unshakable, Kingdom. (Thank you, author James Bryan Smith.)
THE BEFORE TIMES
More than five years ago my life was shattered. My heart was broken in two, my world caved in around me, my identity imploded; I was a mess.
To make matters worse I had joyfully participated in my own demise, never understanding where that path was leading me. Once I understood the danger I was in, I tried to turn around but was unable. Still, I was blindsided by the final shove that pushed me over the edge as I fell into a dark Well of Despair. Sorrow and Shame flooded in around me threatening to drown me as Depression descended like a heavy lid determined to keep me there. I waited for a word of empathy or compassion. Even a word of encouragement such as, “Good luck. Hope everything works out for you,” may have helped alleviate some of the anguish, but there was only silence.
There were entire weekends I couldn’t get out of bed. Like a functioning alcoholic who can work but cannot not drink every night, I would appear functional to those on the outside looking in.
BUT GOD
Thankfully I serve God who gives beauty for ashes and joy for mourning. I was down but not out. I was buried but ready for resurrection. The enemy of my soul tried to crush the very parts of me that God had created for me to give as my gift to the world in which I live. A fraction of my climbing out to solid ground has been learning what that means.
The climb out wasn’t easy. Although I serve the God who heals and brings restoration and offers redemption, He often requires that we join Him in the work. If He simply swooped in and pulled us out, we would never develop the figurative muscles we need, we would never develop the character, the perseverance or resilience required for what lies ahead.
For the solid ground to be truly solid I needed to rebuild my identity on the strong, eternal Rock. I am hidden with God in Christ (Colossians 3:3) safe and secure. No matter what the future holds I am going to be fine and one day free from the troubles of this life (but in no hurry to leave here).
The climb up and out, the healing journey, has been facilitated by God Himself. He knows best how I learn and function. He also knows the desires He has for me. At exactly the right times along the way I have been introduced to books, authors, opportunities, podcasts, internet articles and most importantly caring and listening friends. We heal best in community; God has been very good to me.
AND NOW
This blog will reflect what I have learned during the healing process. It will also reflect my ongoing journey as I learn new things and my life continues to move forward.
Though my identity is no longer rooted in what I do, I do have roles to fulfill in this life: I am a wife, mother, “G”-Mo (what my grandkids call me), Pastor of a tiny Christian congregation, clerk at the Library, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend, just to name a few. All of these roles I fulfill imperfectly but they are mine.
I am also a “resource-er” so in addition to my own personal story, I will share books, authors, poetry, music, artists, musicians, and more. I love to share what and who has helped me along the way. I also love to share all the great new things I am learning and from who I am learning them. This brings me great joy! It is my sincere hope that if you choose to stick around for this journey you will learn something new or learn of a new resource that will help you in your own spiritual growth or healing.
I leave the field wide open as I move forward. Like life itself, the journey ahead here is not neatly marked out for us.
There are days I still feel like a mess but now I understand I’m a beautiful mess on my way to wholeness. My faith belief leads me to know that the wholeness we all desire won’t come to completion until eternity, and yet we are to be growing toward that end. Most days I fully embrace this journey, (I’m sure you understand).
No matter what the future holds, I am so very glad you are here.
~Madonna
