If you are following here as I write, you have heard about Solitude and Silence more than once. It was curative as I have written, and continues to be life-giving, but it is only one piece of the puzzle.

Because we were created by God, who is an eternal community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we, who are made in His image, were also made for community. One aspect of community is friendship.

It is a risky thing to write publicly about friendship. I take the risk of insulting those who are my friends or those who think we are friends. However, in a world where loneliness and pseudo connections abound, it is an important topic.

Since the end of 2017 I have been on a quest to understand myself better (which is for another time) and to understand friendships better. The books in the photo above are some of the investment I have made to that end. I have benefitted from each in their own way—if I am open and pay attention, I can always learn something.

The quest hasn’t been for understanding alone, but also for friendship itself.  This has led me to shutting down my Facebook account for over a year. I wanted to disengage from an online life to an incarnational way of being.

What does it mean to live incarnationally?  Incarnate literally means “with meat” as in flesh. In our modern language we’d say body or bodily, to live incarnationally then, is to be in the physical presence of other human beings.

This I have coupled with ministry but also with my quest for meaningful friendships. It has meant investing time to be in the presence of others. It also means there will be a natural limit as to how many and how often but the trade-off of quality over quantity can be worth the effort.

Do I do this perfectly? Of course not, but I still desire to continue to learn and grow and so as with everything else, it is a journey, and I am a work in progress.

Recently, I began to ask permission from some of my friends, as to sharing here when I write on friendship in the future. To date, those asked, have been open to the idea. I have given each a guarantee that they get veto rights on any articles which would mention them by name or reference before publication. This is important since friendship is also a relationship of trust.

Two such friends are Andrew and Jennifer. Andrew is the friend with whom I have the most contact. He and I try to meet for breakfast once a month, we phone, we text, we email. Our friendship has grown slowly and steadily over time. I have approached it deliberately this way hoping that the friendship we are building will be stronger and more secure because it hasn’t been rushed together. Jennifer is Andrew’s wife and is a friend in her own right. Jennifer brings herself into our friendship with humor and honesty.

We also get together as couples (sometimes their teenagers join too). These have been fun and encouraging times. This summer I would like to add my favorite kayak trip to our escapades if our various schedules will allow. As we build a shared story, we build a friendship.

Besides sharing my friends with you, I will also share some of what I’ve learned along the way. My hope is that it will help you in your own place, in your own way, with your friendships.

Making friends as an adult is different than making friends as a kid, but it is not impossible. We must begin with the desire for friendship first, but it takes more than desire, it will take action. If you already have deep friendships in which you are known and loved—rejoice and thank God. This is truly a gift in our culture today.

However, if you could use help in this area the first two questions you need to answer are: What kind of a friend am I? What kind of a friend do I want to be?  Since we take ourselves into all our relationships, becoming healthy emotionally, mentally, and spiritually becomes a vital part of any relationship building we would embark upon. We cannot do this work without some honest self-evaluation. The second question gives you a vision of the type of person you want to become. Together, these two questions give direction for the growth we need to get from where we are, to where we long to be.

I would recommend any of the books pictured. Be sure and research any of the titles you find interesting as some have Christians authors and some do not, and each has its own emphasis. If you’d like to email about any of the titles, I would be happy to engage with you and answer any questions you may have about them there.

I am thankful for you journeying with me here. My hope is as I add to this site, it will become for you a true blessing to enrich your faith, hope, love, and friendship(s).